


Adonis Blue

by AgentStannerShipper



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: M/M, Oral Sex, Pegging, Trans Character, Trans!Harry, Vaginal Sex, chapters 2 and 3 are nsfw but the other two arent, communication is important, epilogue most consistent with tgc except merlin is alive, harry is a little bit hypersexual, merlin is the actual best boyfriend ever, selfconciousness, sex toy shopping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-05-16 15:02:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14813628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentStannerShipper/pseuds/AgentStannerShipper
Summary: Merlin doesn't always understand Harry, but he's a good man and easy to love. He just wishes Harry would understand that too.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I think these may have been some of the most awkward sex scenes I've ever written, but I don't care. There's a sad lack of trans headcanons in this fandom so this is my contribution.
> 
> I am trans, but every trans person's story is different, so if I've gotten anything wildly wrong with how medical transitioning or any of that works, let me know (nicely) in the comments.

If Merlin were to describe Harry, comfortable in his own skin would be towards the top of the list (after perpetually tardy, infuriatingly sexy, and a massive pain in his arse). Harry moves with a confidence Merlin envies, still feeling all too much like an overgrown teenager even now that he’s started to fill out with muscle and lose much of the string-bean figure that plagued him even just half a decade ago. Even before they started dating, Harry routinely would throw his seduction lessons back in Merlin’s face, because apparently the thanks he gets for training Harry is perpetual boners at work while Harry flirts and winks and sways his hips and intentionally does his very best to drive Merlin up the wall.

So the sex thing is kind of weird.

Specifically, that someone who acts as confident as Harry would be so skittish in bed is kind of weird. And maybe skittish is the wrong word because Harry has no qualms about getting Merlin off. Quite the contrary, the moment they start dating Harry seems to decide that just about everywhere is fair game for sex, because in about three months, including time Harry is away on missions, Merlin has been blown in no fewer than two pubs, three back alleyways, the offices of three different knights in addition to his own, and gotten handjobs in four different restaurants (one under the table, the rest in bathrooms) and two closets at the complex. And that doesn’t include what they’ve done at their respective houses. So Harry clearly likes sex, or, at least, he’s putting up a very good front.

No, the weird part is that Harry never lets Merlin reciprocate. He always waves him off, implying that he’s already gotten off or saying that Merlin can make it up to him next time, except Merlin is fairly confident Harry isn’t getting off and he never gives Merlin the opportunity to make it up to him ‘next time.’ It’s starting to worry Merlin a bit, even with Harry’s obvious enthusiasm.

His solution is simple; the next time Harry initiates sex – they’re on the sofa in Merlin’s flat, some footie game neither of them was really watching still playing on the television as lazy kissing turns into something more – Merlin goes for Harry’s belt buckle first.

Harry bats Merlin’s hands away, giving him what Merlin thinks is supposed to be a sexy grin, but the effect is ruined by the flashes of worry that run behind Harry’s eyes. “Let me take care of you,” Harry purrs, unbuckling Merlin’s trousers instead.

Merlin catches his wrists gently and pulls Harry’s hands away from his crotch. Time for plan B, and everything Scottish about Merlin is rebelling at the thought, but he knows if he doesn’t say something they’re never going to talk about it. “Is everything okay?”

Harry frowns. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

“We’ve been dating for, what, three months? And we’ve been having…well, a lot of sex, and you haven’t let me get you off even once. Should I be worried?”

Harry opens his mouth, and then closes it again. “I’m fine,” he says eventually. “I’d just rather focus on you, if that’s alright.”

“It’s not, though,” Merlin tells him. “I’m not comfortable with always being the one who gets taken care of, knowing you’re not getting anything out of it. I’d really appreciate it if I was allowed to return the favour.”

Harry’s fingernails are digging into his palm, and Merlin uncurls his hand, stroking his thumb along the trail of crescent marks. Harry’s voice is incredibly soft. “I get plenty out of it. I like making you feel good.” His eyes widen. “I do make you feel good, don’t I?”

“Christ, Harry, of course you do. I just want to make you feel good too.”

“But you do.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I can’t let you do that. Not like that.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want you to think I’m disgusting.”

Merlin blinks. He’d been expecting something more along the lines of erectile dysfunction or maybe an overly religious upbringing. “Why would I think you’re disgusting?” Harry is many things – an eccentric collector, a vain peacock, a bit of a snob – but disgusting is not an adjective Merlin would ever use to describe him.

“Because you’re gay,” Harry says, like that makes any sense.

“So?”

“So…” Harry sounds frustrated. He pulls away from Merlin, sitting on the opposite end of the sofa with his knees tucked up to his chest, arms wrapped around them. “You’re gay and I don’t…”

“Don’t what?”

“I don’t have a cock.”

“Oh.” That’s…honestly not the most surprising thing Harry could have said. Merlin scoots a little closer. “Why would that be a problem?” He doesn’t want to make the assumption just yet, but there are really only so many reasons a man like Harry wouldn’t have a penis, and one of them is more likely than the others.

Harry looks at him like he’s being deliberately obtuse. “You’re gay,” he says again, and Merlin really does hate this mantra of his. “You’re gay and I don’t have a proper cock, I’ve got a vagina, and I know that’s repulsive and I’m not going to make you deal with that.”

“Not going to make me deal with that?” Merlin echoes. “Harry…” He stops, collects his thoughts, and then asks, “You’re transgender?”

Harry nods. He fidgets with his trousers, smoothing out the wrinkles and then creating them again. “I’ve had top surgery and I take the hormones,” he says, “but I haven’t…not yet, maybe not ever.” He makes a vague hand gesture that Merlin interprets to be him referring to his genitals.

“And you think I’m going to have a problem with that?”

“You’re-“

“If you say ‘you’re gay’ one more time we are going to have a problem.”

Harry’s mouth snaps shut.

“And for the record, I don’t have a problem with it. Is it out of my depth? A little, yes. But my day is routinely spent guiding dumb, trigger happy agents through war zones and suicide missions, and if I can handle that, I think I can handle my boyfriend having a vagina.” Merlin’s had a couple trans friends before, so he’s more or less aware of the community, even if he’s not a hundred percent up to date on specifics. Harry’s still a guy. More importantly, he’s still _Harry_.

“You don’t think it’s disgusting?”

“No, I don’t.” Merlin curls his fingers around the closest part of Harry, his ankle, and waits until Harry looks him in the eye to say, “I’m going to be honest, it does make a little nervous, because I don’t like to be out of my depth and I don’t know the first thing about making sex good for you. But, assuming you’re interested in having sex with me, I would very much like to figure it out.”

Harry looks stunned, so Merlin continues, “Do you usually top or bottom?”

“I…”

“I usually top, but I’m not picky, so if you wanted to fuck me I’d be fine with it.”

“You understand that I can’t…”

“Are you telling me you’re unfamiliar with what a strap-on is?” Merlin lifts an eyebrow. “Or a dildo?”

Harry flushes bright red. “I don’t usually make it that far. The few men who haven’t been completely disgusted by me tend to be drunk and really only interested in ‘trying out’ what a vagina feels like, so I’ve never gotten to…”

“Would you like to?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’m fine with either,” Merlin reminds him. “Or neither, if you’re really not interested. You seem hesitant.”

“Of course I’m bloody hesitant,” Harry mutters. “I’m still waiting for you to take off my trousers and decide you’re really not interested after all.”

“Why would I do that?”

“Because…” Harry huffs, “Because you’re gay, alright? And gay men, even the progressive ‘oh trans men are fine we’re still into that I promise we aren’t transphobic’ ones tend to not want someone like me for more than maybe a night or two, at least in my experience. I like you a great deal, Merlin. Possibly even love you, although I know it’s a bit soon for that. And I don’t want to frighten you off.”

“Harry, listen to me very carefully,” Merlin says. “If the bugs in your bathroom didn’t scare me off, nothing will.” Harry looks doubtful and Merlin tightens his grip a bit. “I mean it. I can’t promise I’ll be able to get everything right on the first try, but I like you very much, probably more than I should be considering how long we’ve been together and yes, I might even love you too, and I want to make this work. I’m willing to put in the effort, and I hope you are too.”

Harry goes quiet, and Merlin waits for a response. “You’re sure?” Harry asks after a minute. “You’re absolutely sure you’re okay with this?”

“I’m sure. I’m not going to be perfect, and I’ll expect you to tell me if I’m getting anything wrong. Not just about sex, either. About all of it. And I’m going to listen to you and I’m going to try to do better. Because yes, I am okay with this, and I’ll say it as many times as you need to hear it.”

Harry nods. He looks like he’s thinking, and Merlin prays that was the right thing to say. Maybe it was, or maybe it doesn’t matter, because Harry says, very quietly, “Can I take you to bed?”

Merlin hesitates. Sure, he’s in his twenties and could probably get it up again without any problems, and he definitely doesn’t want Harry to think his refusal is disgust, but he’s not really in the mood for sex anymore. “Do you think we could take a rain check?” he asks. “Maybe tomorrow? I think I’d like to see how the match turns out.”

“Alright,” Harry agrees. “Tomorrow.” Merlin can’t tell if that’s relief or disappointment in Harry’s voice, or maybe something else altogether, but Harry tucks himself back under Merlin’s arm and settles back in to watch the game.


	2. Chapter 2

Merlin mutes the coms when Harry creeps into his office. “Did you need me for something, or is this a social call?”

Harry drops into Merlin’s lap, wrapping his arms around Merlin’s shoulders for balance and kissing him. Merlin indulges him for a moment, and then breaks the kiss. “Harry?”

“It’s tomorrow.”

Actually, it isn’t. Tomorrow ended approximately three minutes ago, and Merlin has been up since three this morning, when a crisis in Kay’s mission required him to come up. He’d left Harry a note, and since then he’s been working nonstop.

But he remembers his promise. “I know, and I’m sorry. Let me finish up here, and then I’ll go home with you, alright? Shouldn’t be too much longer.”

Harry shakes his head. “You’ve been up long enough. I cleared it with Morgana, and she says you should go home and rest.”

“Kay-“

“Is out of immediate danger and can be supervised by one of the junior handlers. He doesn’t need you, and you need at least a few hours of sleep.” Harry bats his eyelashes at Merlin. “If you’re a good boy and come with me now, I’ll put you to bed with a nice orgasm. Would you like that?”

Merlin snorts. “Don’t use that voice. You sound like you’re offering to read me a bedtime story.”

“Maybe I am,” Harry teases. He drops his voice and speaks directly into Merlin’s ear, “Once upon a time there was a knight, and though his name meant pure, he was anything but, and so the wizard had to punish him for being naughty. He put him over his knee-“

Merlin clears his throat loudly, ignoring the way his cock is perking up. “Yes, alright, I’m coming home with you. Just let me transfer Kay over.”

Harry kisses his cheek. “Thank you, darling.” He stands up and bounces over to the door, waiting patiently as Merlin lets Kay know he’s being transferred, and then taking Merlin’s arm when the wizard joins him. Merlin lets him, because almost no one is here at this time of night, and the few that are know well enough to keep their mouths shut.

Merlin likes Harry’s bed better than his own. Harry has nicer sheets and more pillows, a far cry from the spartan living conditions Merlin got used to in the RAF and never managed to shake. But, when they finally get to Harry’s flat, he’s not quite prepared to be pushed down onto said sheets, or for Harry to crawl on top of him. “Oh. You weren’t joking about the, ah…”

Harry tilts his head. “Did you want me to be joking?”

“I’m pretty sure I promised you proper sex, and right now I’m really not up for that.” The exhaustion is starting to hit, now he’s out of the office, and as much as Merlin would like to return the favour Harry is offering, he’s pretty damn close to passing out.

“It doesn’t have to be like that,” Harry says. He palms Merlin through his trousers. “I could just…say you owe me one.”

“I owe you enough,” Merlin tells him. He sits up, moving Harry off his lap and standing to search for the spare pyjama bottoms he keeps here. When he looks back, Harry is hunched in on himself, and Merlin sighs.

“Harry-“

“If you don’t want to have sex with me, you should just say so.”

“I am saying so.” Harry goes tense, and Merlin groans. “Not like that, Harry. It’s not because you’re trans. It’s bad timing, is all. I promise you, barring unforeseen circumstances, I will absolutely have sex with you tomorrow.”

Harry eyes him. “You promise?”

“I promise.”

Harry seems to accept that answer, and he lets Merlin get changed, putting on his own pyjamas - bottoms and a sleep shirt - when Merlin’s back is turned. They climb into bed together, and Harry allows Merlin to spoon him. Merlin gives in to the exhaustion, and the blackness consumes him.

 When he wakes up, it’s with throbbing morning wood rubbing against the cleft of Harry’s arse and a much clearer head than the night before. He grins into Harry’s neck and presses a kiss to the knob of his spine, scraping his teeth over the skin. “Wake up, Harry.”

Harry makes a disgruntled noise that tapers off into a rushed exhale as he squirms backwards. “Mmm. Good morning to you too.”

Merlin nips a little harder, rutting his hips forward. “I believe I promised someone sex this morning.” He slides his hand up under Harry’s shirt, and Harry pushes it down again, pulling away from Merlin, who props himself up on one elbow, frowning. “Harry?”

Harry rolls over so he can face Merlin, and Merlin is surprised to see his hesitation, given his reaction last night. “We don’t have to…I mean…”

“Do you not want to have sex?”

“No, I definitely want to.” Harry bites his lip. “Just…we’re actually doing this.”

“That’s the idea.”

“You’re sure-“

“I want to do this,” Merlin reminds Harry. He sits up and nudges Harry onto his back, hovering over him. “I’m going to kiss you now.”

Harry puts up no resistance, melting into the kiss and curling his fingers into Merlin’s hair, spreading his legs to make room for Merlin when he shuffles between them. He only breaks it when Merlin touches the hem of his shirt again. “Leave it on.”

“Alright,” Merlin agrees, and goes back to kissing him, stroking over the fabric instead, running his hand up Harry’s chest, across his shoulder and down his arm, wanting to get his hands on every piece of Harry he can reach. Harry lets it happen, and it’s not until Merlin moves his hands down to Harry’s waistband that he reacts, squirming under Merlin’s touch and stopping him with a hand on Merlin’s wrist.

“You don’t have to,” he says. “We could leave them on, you don’t need to-“

“Harry,” Merlin interrupts him. “Do you want to leave your clothes on, or do you want me to get you off? Because I’m in favour of the latter, but if you’re really uncomfortable I won’t push.”

Harry swallows hard, and then hooks his fingers in the waistband of his pyjama bottoms and pushes them down. Merlin smiles. “Alright. I have no idea what I’m doing down here, so I’m going to need your help. Think you can do that?”

Harry nods, and Merlin slides down his body to settle on his elbows between Harry’s legs, looking up at Harry expectantly. Harry hesitates, and Merlin prompts, “Harry?”

“Have you ever rimmed someone?”

“A couple of times.” It’s not his favourite thing to do, but he’s not opposed to it.

“It’s kind of like that.” Harry reaches down, and Merlin notices his hand is shaking slightly as he parts his folds. “It’s all…pretty sensitive. But mostly my, uh…”

“Cock?” Merlin supplies.

Harry gives him a look, and Merlin backpedals, “Do you not want me to call it that?” He can tell Harry’s aroused, his cock (well, clitoris depending on the terminology Harry prefers) swollen and standing erect. He’s only about two inches long, and Merlin gets why Harry was hesitant to call it a “proper” cock when they talked about it the other day, but Merlin has had sex with at least one guy who was even smaller and this, at least, is something he’s reasonably familiar with.

“No, I want you to call it that,” Harry says. “I just wasn’t expecting…” He trails off as Merlin arches an eyebrow, and then continues, “Focus on that. And use lube if you expect to get your fingers involved, because I’m not going to be making nearly enough.”

“Duly noted.” And Merlin wraps his mouth around Harry’s cock and sucks.

Harry curses, fingers digging into Merlin’s hair, and Merlin sets to work, alternating between sucking on Harry’s cock and licking at him, exploring his folds with his mouth and enjoying the way Harry grinds back against him involuntarily. When he scrapes his teeth along the throbbing flesh, Harry actually cries out, and a second later Merlin feels a light thunk against his shoulders and accepts the bottle of lube Harry is passing him, slicking his fingers and pinching the base of Harry’s cock between his forefinger and thumb, stroking it while he turns his attention lower, licking curiously at the opening below.

Immediately, Harry’s fingers get tighter in Merlin’s hair. “Darling, you don’t have to-“

Merlin pulls back to look up at Harry, unimpressed. Harry flushes. “I mean, if you want to…”

Merlin slides the tip of one finger inside, tracing the edge, and Harry groans. The sound spurs Merlin on, and he slides his finger deeper. Harry is slick inside, wet with arousal and the lube Merlin spreads as he dips in and out, adding a second finger after a moment at Harry’s urging.

“There’s something, right? The g-spot, or whatever? Can you-“

Harry takes his hand and helps guide him, coaxing his fingers down and back a bit and then biting back a whimper when he says, “That’s it. I can’t…” His chest is heaving, the words breathless as he struggles for them. “I can’t come…just from that, but…it helps.”

“Feels good?”

Harry laugh is choked off when Merlin presses down on the bundle of nerves. “Y-yeah. Don’t…don’t stop.”

Merlin has no intention of that, and he goes back to work, keeping the pressure inside of Harry even as he returns his attention to Harry’s cock, licking and stroking and working at the flesh, gauging how close Harry is by the noises he’s making and easing up again when it sounds like he’s getting close, teasing it out.

Harry whacks him lightly on the shoulders and whines, “Merlin, please.”

Merlin stops messing around and goes right for the kill, crooking his fingers inside Harry and swallowing his entire cock, humming the way he likes when he gets blown and hoping Harry likes it just as much.

Apparently, he does, because Harry cries out and twists below him, and Merlin gets to watch him come, pulling away but leaving his fingers in place, feeling Harry’s walls ripple around him.

When Harry slumps back against the bed, Merlin withdraws, wiping his fingers against the sheets and shifting over to lay next to Harry on his side. “Was that okay?”

Harry huffs out a laugh. “I’ll let you know when I’m not seeing stars.”

“Pretty good for a first try, then.”

“Something like that.” Harry turns over onto his side too, eyes flicking down, and Merlin follows his gaze. Oh. He’d been so focused on Harry he’d forgotten about his own hardness, which surges to the forefront of his attention with the reminder, and he presses a hand down to alleviate some of the tension.

Harry reaches down too, fingers wrapping around Merlin’s hand. “I could…if you wanted…or, um…” Merlin lifts an eyebrow, and Harry finishes, “Would you like to fuck me?”

“You’d be okay with that?”

Harry shrugs. “I like it. Most guys want to anyway, so…”

“That doesn’t mean-“

Harry covers Merlin’s mouth with his other hand. “I get it. You’re not most guys, and if I don’t want to do it you won’t make me uncomfortable. But you’re still hard and I’m offering. If you don’t want to…”

“I want to.”

“Okay.”

They shift again, a moment of questioning about who should be where, before they end up with Harry on his back again, Merlin using the lube and Harry’s natural wetness to work him open a little bit more.

“Should we be using condoms?”

“You mean, can you knock me up?”

Merlin nods.

“Odds are, no. I’m on birth control. But I’d rather use one anyway. Being a field agent means a lot of contact with…fluids.”

“Fair point. Do you have…?”

Harry gestures to the nightstand. “They’re probably not expired, but it’s been awhile.”

Merlin finds a handful buried in the back of the drawer, and when he checks the date they’re still good, barely. He makes a note to add condoms to the shopping list and tears it open. Harry catches his hands and takes it from him, rolling it onto Merlin’s cock and stroking him, getting him nice and slick, and Merlin groans, hips rocking into the pressure. Harry shifts under him, lining then up, and Merlin moves when directed, biting his lip when the head catches on Harry’s opening.

They hold themselves there a minute, studying each other, and Merlin gets the sense that Harry is giving him a last chance, an offer to pull back, to admit this isn’t what he wants. But while Merlin might be gay, he really does want this. Harry is trusting him, and honestly, it’s not what Merlin expected, but it’s _Harry_ , and it’s been so good this far. He’s not about to stop now.

“You still okay?” he asks instead.

Harry nods, and Merlin takes over, replacing Harry’s guiding hand with his own – Harry curls his fists into the bedspread – and easing in the first few centimetres, forcing himself to go slow.

Harry hisses out between his teeth, and Merlin freezes. “Harry?”

“I’m good,” Harry pants. “I wasn’t really expecting…”

“Wasn’t expecting what?”

“It feels good.”

Merlin blinks. “You agreed to this thinking that it wasn’t going to feel good?”

“It doesn’t normally. I mean, it doesn’t hurt, but-“

“At some point, love, we really need to talk about your idea of sex.” But for now, Merlin rocks in a little deeper, testing the waters. Harry’s wetter than he’s used to, and the clench is different, but it feels good and his boyfriend is biting back moans. Merlin reaches between them, feeling the place where they’re joined, and Harry lets out a whimper that turning into a wail when Merlin traces up to Harry’s still-hard cock, pinching it between his thumb and forefinger and rubbing gently. It makes Harry’s body ripple around him, and Merlin groans and tries to keep his hips steady.

“Just shove it in,” Harry urges. “Just put it in me, please.”

Merlin obliges, forcing himself in to the root, grunting as Harry gasps and his body seizes up, legs locking tight around Merlin’s waist. “Hold it, hold it, hold it,” Harry chants, breathless. Merlin doesn’t blame him. He’s a little surprised that he fits like this, and it’s got to be intense on Harry’s end, especially because he doesn’t let up, still toying with Harry’s cock even as Merlin throbs inside him.

After a moment, Harry rocks back against him, like he’s testing it out, before he says, “Alright, you can move now.”

Merlin keeps his thrusts shallow, easing himself in and out in tiny increments. He can’t hit Harry’s g-spot like this – the angle is all wrong – but he makes up for it by dividing his attention between sliding in and out of the sweet warmth of Harry’s body and playing with his cock, stroking and twisting and working his fingers not just on Harry’s erection, but down the rest of the folds too, watching for what makes Harry squirm and sigh and moan.

Never let it be said that Merlin isn’t a fantastic multitasker.

He waits until Harry gets impatient, wrapping his legs around Merlin’s waist and digging his heels in, before he starts to thrust a little harder and deeper, grunting in pleasure as he gets to bury more of his cock in the tight, slick heat. Harry moans. “Don’t stop.” He’s abandoned the sheets to grip at Merlin’s shoulders, clawing lines into them, and Merlin returns the favour by sucking bruising kisses into Harry’s neck. He’s close, so he redoubles his efforts on Harry.

“Come on,” he murmurs against his skin. “Want to feel you come. Can you do that for me, Harry?”

And Harry does, with a little sigh and a whimper, his body squeezing down around Merlin, who takes a few more thrusts and then fills the condom with a groan, pressing his forehead against Harry’s shoulder as he holds himself up. When Harry stops shuddering around him, he pulls out, peeling off the condom and tying it off before coming back to bed.

Harry cuddles into his side, happy little sounds like a cat humming in his chest, and Merlin fights the urge to laugh. “I’ll take it that was good for you too?”

“Very.”

Merlin thinks back to what Harry said at the beginning and asks, “Sex really doesn’t feel good for you?”

Harry shrugs. “I mean, what we just did…that felt good. And when I do it on my own, with a toy or my fingers, that feels good too. I don’t know. Maybe I’ve just been sleeping with the wrong men.”

“Maybe.” Merlin presses a few absentminded kisses to Harry’s hairline.

After another moment, Harry asks, “So it was okay? Didn’t feel weird, or-“

“Harry,” Merlin interrupts. “I enjoyed it.”

“Oh.” Then, “I guess you don’t know until you try.”

“I know this may come as a shock to you, given your apparent history, but I wasn’t ‘trying you out.’ I wanted to have sex with my boyfriend, you wanted to have sex with me, so we had sex. End of story.”

“Am I being irritating?”

“Just a little bit.” The pleasant, fuzzy warmth of the afterglow is still there, though, and Merlin doesn’t begrudge Harry for being worried.

Harry goes quiet, and then asks, “Did you know?”

“That you were trans?”

Harry nods, and Merlin considers. “No. Not really.”

“Not really?”

“I’m Merlin, and that means have access to your medical files. Not just yours, all the knights. I just glanced over yours. Felt a bit like stalking, knowing I was interested in dating you, and we have medical for things like that. I saw a couple things, just briefly, that looked kind of odd. Birth control, I’m guessing, or hormones, but they were chemical names and I wasn’t really paying attention. Didn’t really think about them too hard. But, when you told me, it wasn’t exactly a shock. I wasn’t expecting it or anything, but I wasn’t entirely surprised either.”

“Oh.” Harry lies back, like he’s thinking about that. Merlin glances over at the clock and curses internally, sitting up and searching for his clothes. Harry frowns. “Where are you going?”

“Well, first I’m going to take a shower. Then I’m going to get breakfast, and then I’m going in to work because some of us don’t have the luxury of waiting around for an international crisis to do our jobs. Some of us are on the clock on a much more regular basis. I got my sleep, as ordered, so I’m going back in.”

Harry pouts. “You really can’t stay?”

Merlin pauses, clothes in hand, halfway to the door. He looks back at Harry on the bed, shirt still on but somehow looking sexier for it, batting his eyelashes at Merlin. It’s almost enough to tempt him. Almost.

“I’ll see you tonight, Harry.”

“I’m holding you too that.” Harry settles back against the mattress, making himself comfortable in the warm spot Merlin just left. Merlin envies his schedule a little bit. “My place or yours?” Harry asks.

“Doesn’t matter to me.”

“Here, then. I hate your bed.”

Merlin snorts and goes to take his shower. When he gets out, Harry has gone back to sleep. Merlin kisses his forehead gently, and then heads in to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Communication is important, especially if your partner is trans, and you should have a full discussion about sex between you before anything actually happens. Merlin and Harry do not, but this is also in the 80s and all this is very new to both of them in different respects, so I felt it was more in-character to have it like this.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact; the gay sex shop in this chapter is loosely based on an actual gay sex shop in London with the same name. Apparently, it has a bit of a history. Also a warning for a brief discussion of religion and also something that might be considered child abuse (as consistent with my usual writings of Merlin's father). Its brief, and obviously not on screen. 
> 
> I think this might be one of my less sexy (but more realistic?) sex scenes, partly because I rarely write Merlin bottoming, but I thought it was only fair Harry get the opportunity to top.

“I miss you,” Harry says mournfully.

Merlin smiles, even though he knows Harry can’t see it. “I miss you too. But if all goes well, you should be home day after tomorrow.”

“But when do these things ever go well?” Harry gripes. Merlin hears a sound like mattress springs, and infers that Harry is rolling around on his bed. “And it’s so hot here, darling. I’m wearing practically nothing, and I’m still sweating.”

“Well, you are in Cairo. And it is summer. And you’re a baby when it comes to temperature changes.”

“I can’t believe you’re leaving a perfectly sexy opening like that to make fun of me.”

“I can’t help it. You’re like a baby. A little too warm and you start griping and crying, and then I have to console you.”

Harry sounds grumpy when he responds, “Well, this _baby_ is thinking about withholding sex when he gets back home if this is how he’s going to be treated.”

“I’m sorry.” He’s not, any more than Harry is really irritated with him. Nor does he think Harry will actually withhold sex; it’s been a month since what Merlin considers their actual first time, and while Harry has been gone for just over a week now, the previous three weeks had been back to Harry’s normal insatiability, with the added bonus of Merlin getting to finger and eat him out too, plus one or two proper shags when they had the time.

Harry sighs. “I’m sorry too. I’m just a bit irritable today.”

“The heat?”

“And the fact that our contact didn’t show. I’m worried, Merlin.”

“I have someone looking into that. I’ll let you know if she finds anything.”

“I hate feeling useless.”

“You’re not useless.” Merlin glances towards his door, making sure it’s closed, and double-checks that their line is secure before he says, “I could distract you, if you think that would help?”

He might not be able to see Harry, but he can picture the way Harry perks up. “Oh, I absolutely think that would help. What did you have in mind?”

“Well,” Merlin draws out the word. “I was thinking…when you got home…we still haven’t tried you topping in bed yet.”

“Really?”

Merlin nearly laughs at how eager Harry sounds. “Aye. Since you’ve never had a chance to see if you liked it.”

“We’ll have to go shopping first. I don’t own a strap-on, and I’d much prefer that to just using a dildo on you.”

“Get home safe, and I know a place. Very discreet, and maybe we can get a few other toys to play with.”

“Mmm,” Harry hums. “Have I mentioned recently that you’re the best boyfriend ever?”

Merlin laughs, and then sighs as a blip pops up on his screen. “I have to sign off now. Percival needs me for something. I’ll talk to you later, love.”

“Talk to you later, darling.”

Merlin severs the link and opens up Percival’s. “What happened?”

Just under forty-eight hours, one plane crash (Percival’s – he’s fine, but Morgana is going to have a field day with him in the infirmary), and one successful information exchange and arguably less successful arms dealer shootout (Harry’s, and he was kind enough not to get shot this time – kind to Merlin’s nerves, that is) later, Harry touches down on British soil. Merlin wishes he could kiss him hello the moment he steps onto the tarmac, but he settles for doing it later, locked in Harry’s office. Kingsman is progressive in some respects, but this is not one of them. Merlin suspects Harry would be booted from the table if certain other knights or Arthur found out about his gender or sexuality, and specialized skillset or not, Merlin might be out of a job as well.

Harry’s desk isn’t the most comfortable place to sit, but it doesn’t matter because Harry is devouring his lips, clinging to him desperately, thoroughly messing up Merlin’s hair with his grip. “Missed you,” he murmurs between kisses. “Was gone too long.”

“I was in your ear the whole time.”

“Still too long.”

Merlin rolls his eyes. One of these days, Harry is going to get a truly long mission, one of those multi-month undercover deals, and then they’ll see how they fare.

“I have a little project to finish up,” he says, standing up, “and you have a post-mission report to write.”

Harry sighs theatrically and plops down in his desk chair. “I suppose that means you’re leaving me?”

“Give me two hours. If you’re done with your paperwork, then we’ll go together.”

“To the store you promised me?”

Merlin looks at him, incredulous. “You sure you don’t want to take a day off to rest?”

“You told me I get to fuck you. I’m not keen on putting it off.”

Merlin laughs. “You’re ridiculous.”

Harry grins and shoos him away. “The sooner you’re done, the sooner we can get to bed.”

“Insatiable.”

“You love it.”

He kind of does, a little bit, but he flips Harry off anyway as he leaves his office.

The store they make it too, three hours later, is the one where Merlin gets his sex toys from, on the rare occasions he purchases them (he has a small collection of dildos that Harry hasn’t managed to find yet). It’s called _Clone Zone_ , and he’s actually a bit surprised that Harry hasn’t heard of it. He looks around in awe when Merlin leads him in, and murmurs to him, “I’ve never been in a place like this before.”

“Really? Never?”

Harry shakes his head, eyeing the rack of magazines on display with a variety of suggestive titles and muscular men in erotic poses - and very little clothing - on the covers. “My family would have probably locked me in a convent if they found out while I was growing up, so I paid one of our staff to get stuff for me.” The casual way he says the word staff reminds Merlin that they come from very different backgrounds, and a little nub of worry lodges itself next to his heart to be examined later. Harry continues, “And when I left the house, I suppose I was a bit nervous. Gay men don’t always like having someone like me in their spaces.”

Merlin wraps an arm around Harry’s waist. It doesn’t matter that they’re in public because they’re already in a gay sex shop. If they get discovered here, PDA will be the least of their problems. “No one’s going to give us any trouble,” Merlin promises. He steers Harry towards the back and asks, “So, your parents are against all this?”

Harry shrugs. “They’re…complicated. Completely supportive of me being gay and trans, paid for my transition completely, but they’re also rather religious.”

“Oh.” Merlin winces.

Harry catches the motion. “Not that kind of religious. They gave my straight siblings the same treatment. They were, well, still are, very anti-sexuality before marriage. But they did say that if I ever wanted to marry a man as a man, in the eyes of God, they would support it. So it could have been a lot worse.”

“Yeah.” Merlin watches his feet.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Merlin…”

He sighs. “My father was religious too. Well, not really.” He hesitates, and then says, “You know the people who never go to church or read the Bible but swear that God hates the gays and we’re all going to hell? That was our family. My mother, not so much but…”

He doesn’t even realize how hard he’s gripping Harry until his boyfriend stops, turning to face him and peeling Merlin’s hand off his shoulder, holding it between his own instead. “Did he ever hit you?” Harry asks, not bothering to mask the worry in his voice.

Merlin shrugs. An absurd part of him wants to laugh, because this isn’t the first time someone’s assumed that of his father. He’s not sure if it’s the pseudo-religious upbringing or stereotypes about the Scottish working class, but he doesn’t much care. Either way, he doesn’t laugh, just says, “Not really. He smacked me a few times and belted me when he thought I’d done something wrong, but nothing all that bad.” But his chest feels tight as he says it, and Harry looks appalled, which isn’t helping. “Can we not talk about it anymore?”

“Alright.”

Harry finds the sex toys without Merlin’s leading, past the row of VHS tapes, which they ignore, and the isle of leather products, which Merlin notices Harry studying out of the corner of his eye. The toys are tucked away in the back, an entire wall of them, and Merlin stands back and lets Harry examine them.

They’re not the only people in the store. There’s a middle-aged man on the other end of the isle, and he keeps casting nervous looks towards them. The clerk is lounging behind the cash register, flipping through one of the magazines and not paying any attention to them. It’s almost surreal, in a way, being in a space where they don’t have to hide, where they can exist together casually.

“Any preferences?”

The words jerk his attention back to Harry, and he blinks. “What?”

Harry is looking at him expectantly, and he gestures to the row of harnesses. “Do you care?”

Merlin shrugs. “You’re the one who’s going to be wearing it.”

Harry plucks one off the wall, toying with the adjustable straps, and apparently deems it acceptable because he hands it off to Merlin and goes to look at the accompanying options for strap-on dildos. This piece Merlin actually cares about, because this is supposed to go inside him and he’d rather Harry not pick something crazy.

Fortunately, Harry doesn’t stop to consider some of the bigger ones for more than a moment before he moves on to what Merlin would consider “average” size. It does take some convincing to talk Harry out of one of the rainbow options, and he only accepts it when Merlin tells him, point blank, that he will not be able to take Harry seriously in bed if he’s wearing it. They opt for a basic black one instead, about six inches long and moderately thick, and if Harry adds a vibrator and a string of beads when they’re paying, Merlin is willing to turn a blind eye. Mostly because he really wants to use both of them on Harry at some point.

He also ignores the looks Harry shoots him the entire way home. Well, to Harry’s flat. It’s not quite home for Merlin yet, but it feels almost like it could be, and Merlin hasn’t decided if that’s comforting or alarming.

“So,” Harry says when they step inside, before Merlin has his shoes off or the door closed. “Straight up to bed, or…?”

“Think you can wait long enough for us to eat something?” Merlin asks. “I’m starving.”

Harry relents, although he pouts a bit initially, and they order takeaway and curl up on the sofa together, eating straight out of the carton and pretending to ignore the bag sitting on the coffee table while they turn on what Harry refers to as “Merlin’s sci-fi nonsense.”

Fortunately for Harry, said “nonsense” is an episode he’s seen before, so when Merlin is done eating he sets the container on the table and draws Harry back into his arms, nosing along his neck and pressing kisses into the skin. Harry lets out a little moan and leans back, tilting his head so Merlin can have better access. “Bed now?”

Merlin pinches him, and Harry yelps, but he doesn’t have time to complain because Merlin snatches the bag up off the table and makes for the stairs, and Harry is too busy running after him.

The bag gets forgotten when Harry pushes him onto the bed, straddling Merlin’s lap and grinding down eagerly. Merlin groans, threading his fingers through Harry’s hair so he can tug at it and using the other hand to pull him closer, rocking his hips up in response. Harry busies himself with Merlin’s jumper, peeling him out of it and setting to work on his shirt buttons. Merlin reluctantly lets go of Harry to help, and together they have him undressed in record time.

Merlin reaches for Harry’s trousers, and Harry lets him take them off without any fuss, but he leans back when Merlin goes for his shirt. Merlin sighs. “I’ve seen everything else, Harry.”

“I know, but…”

“I’m not going to fight you on it,” Merlin tells him, “but I wish you would trust me.”

“It’s not about trust,” Harry mumbles, toying with the hem.

“No?”

Harry shakes his head. “It’s just…the scars. They aren’t very attractive…”

Merlin takes Harry’s hand in his own and drags it down to curl over his hip, tracing the scar he has there, a reminder of his time in the RAF. “Does this change the way you feel about me?”

“Well, no, but-“

“Does it make you not want to have sex with me?”

“No.”

“Then why would this be different?”

Harry hesitates, like he’s contemplating arguing, and then without a word pulls his shirt up over his head. The scars are obvious, but Merlin’s also fairly certain that most people in their line of work would dismiss them as something Harry got in the field, if they didn’t know the truth. He reaches up, and then hesitates. “May I?”

Harry shakes his head. “Not tonight.”

Merlin accepts it, lifting his hand further to curl around the back of Harry’s neck and bring him down for another kiss. They fall back on the bed, Harry still on top, and Merlin lets him guide the kisses, opening his mouth to accept Harry’s tongue when he feels it swiping over his lips.

After a few minutes, he reaches down between them, first to tug at his cock, hard and aching but not to the point of desperation, and then to slide his fingers between Harry’s folds, scooping up the slick between them – Harry moans softly at the touch - and bringing them up again, parting from Harry’s lips long enough to lick the sweetness off his hand and grin. “You’re wet.”

Harry gives him a look. “I’m snogging my terrifically sexy boyfriend, who I’ve currently got between my legs and who has promised that I’m going to get to fuck him tonight. Forgive me for being a little turned on at the prospect.”

Merlin chuckles. “Alright. I think I’ve made you wait long enough.” He nudges Harry back, and his boyfriend slides off his lap and digs into the plastic bag while Merlin fetches the lube. It takes both of them to figure out how to get the damn thing to sit on Harry’s hips, and by then Merlin’s erection has waned somewhat and they’re both a little more uncertain, Harry because he’s never done this and Merlin because he honestly can’t remember the last time he has.

There’s an awkward little moment, trying to figure out what position they should be in, and then Merlin is on his elbows and knees, arse in the air, Harry behind him and running his hands up Merlin’s thighs, parting his cheeks to get a look at the pucker between them, and Merlin suddenly feels very self-conscious. He squashes that down as he hears the lube click open, and then two of Harry’s fingers are pressing at his hole, circling the opening and prodding in gently. The skin is sensitive, and Merlin hisses softly. Harry stills for a moment, and then carefully slides the tip of one finger inside.

It feels tight and larger than it probably is and Merlin grits his teeth and forces himself to relax. While it’s not his preference, he knows he likes this. He just has to remind his body.

Harry pulls away to add a bit more lube, judging by the squelching noise, and then the finger is back, pressing all the way in the time. He works it in and out a few times before adding a second, and Merlin starts to relax properly, moaning and thrusting back against Harry’s fingers as they crook inside him, searching out that little bundle of nerves. He glances over his shoulder, and Harry’s face is screwed up in concentration. It’s oddly adorable, even more so when he blushes when he catches Merlin watching. “What?”

“Nothing. Keep doing th- _at_.” The word sharpens as Harry finds his prostate. “ _Shit_ , right there, _yes_.”

Harry obliges him for a moment, then starts scissoring them apart to stretch him out. It really has been a very long time since Merlin’s done this, so it’s not the most comfortable feeling, but Harry keeps glancing over his prostate and leans forward to press kisses along his spine, and the sensation quickly goes from mildly uncomfortable to pleasant.

“Third finger, you think?” Harry asks.

“Just fuck me.”

“You sure?”

“Put your bloody cock inside me and fuck me, Harry.”

Harry doesn’t question further, and instead Merlin hears the sound of a condom being opened. He glances back again to watch Harry roll it over the plastic cock he’s got between his legs, slicking it up and then shuffling forward to line it up with Merlin’s hole. “Ready?”

Merlin huffs in response, and Harry laughs, pushing in and moaning, “ _Oh_.”

“What?” It comes out more a grunt because Merlin’s got a couple centimetres of plastic up his arse and it doesn’t feel quite good yet, more a dull ache, the strap-on less yielding than flesh would be.

“Feels nice,” Harry murmurs. “The friction…mmm.” He rocks in and then pulls out, setting up an easy rhythm of thrusting as Merlin gets used to the stretch, until the burn fades and he can enjoy the feeling. He reaches back, finding Harry’s hip, and closes his fingers around it, pulling at him.

“I’m not gonna break,” Merlin tells him. “You wanted to top, so are you gonna fuck me, or what?”

Harry takes the bait, driving in harder, and Merlin groans because _yes_ , that’s what he wanted. The pace picks up, and Harry adjusts until he can grind right up against Merlin’s prostate on every stroke, sparking pleasure up and down his spine. He bends his head down, pressing it to the mattress, his spine arching as he works himself back on the plastic cock Harry is fucking him with, meeting him halfway with each loud, slapping thrust. His skin is starting to slick with sweat, his hair plastering to his forehead. His body is prickling all over in the best possible way.

“Holy fuck,” Harry breathes, and Merlin doesn’t know if he’s reacting to the imagery or the sensation or what but he doesn’t really care because his groin feels tight to the point of bursting and every time Harry drives into him it shoves him closer to the edge, but he can’t get a hand on his cock like this and he’s beyond words to ask Harry to do it.

It turns out, he doesn’t need to, because Harry leans down to cover his body and it gets the angle deeper, the thrusts shorter but harder, and Harry bites down on his shoulderblade and Merlin is gone, vision whiting out as he comes in streaks across the mattress. He collapses, slumping down and taking Harry with him.

He vaguely feels Harry pull out, thinks he hears the sounds of the straps being undone and the harness discarded, but it’s not until he registers the slick sound of skin on skin that he manages to move again, looking up to see Harry with two fingers inside himself, biting back groans as he gets himself off.

Merlin props himself up on one elbow and curls his fingers around Harry’s thigh, looking up at him as Harry looks down, and without a word Harry draws his knee up so Merlin can shift over and bury his face in Harry’s crotch, licking around the fingers Harry still has inside himself and sucking until Harry sighs and comes, much more gently than Merlin. He relaxes against the bed, humming under his breath, and Merlin flops over and buries his face in the mattress again.

It takes him a few minutes to turn over onto his back, uncomfortable in the wet spot his cum has left but unwilling to get up and do something about it just yet. “So,” he says conversationally. “What’d you think?”

“I liked it.” Harry doesn’t seem especially interested in moving either. “I think I prefer bottoming more, but I definitely want to do this again. You?”

“Like topping. Didn’t mind this though.” It’s a bit of an understatement, but Merlin’s brain is short-circuiting.

“Was it good?”

Merlin rolls his eyes. “Yes, it was good. I liked it too.”

“Good.”

They’re both silent, and then Merlin heaves a sigh. “We should shower. And probably change the sheets.”

“We should.”

Neither of them moves, and they fall asleep like that. When he wakes up, the sheets are sticking to Merlin and he has trails of dried cum tracking unpleasantly up his body, but he also has a very cuddly Harry wrapped up in his arms, so he thinks he’ll call it a draw.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two things; from my research, strap-ons can actually be very important to trans men, who sometimes view it as their actual cock and not a toy, so that is another thing to discuss with your partner (and, if anyone cares, eventually Harry will own a rainbow strap-on, but I'm not writing that scene here). Also, some trans men do top with their actual penis (because it does function that way), and I imagine in this universe that is something Merlin and Harry explore (but again, I'm not writing it).
> 
> Just the epilogue left to go!


	4. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end. Just a little epilogue that I thought rounded out the themes. It's a day late (sorry) but I hope you like it.

The house is quiet when Merlin steps inside, closing the door behind him. Harry’s shoes are on the rack and his slippers are gone, so he’s home, but even when Merlin stands still to listen, he can’t hear any sign of his husband.

“I’m home,” he calls, hanging up his coat and toeing off his own shoes. “Harry?”

There’s no reply.

Merlin slips through the house, checking each room he passes. It’s not until he gets to the upstairs bathroom that he finds Harry, sprawled out in a mound of bubbles up to his chin, his eyes closed and with one of Harry’s jazz albums playing over the speakers. Merlin leans against the doorframe. “You know, you really shouldn’t fall asleep in the bathtub. You could drown.”

“I’m not asleep,” Harry mumbles, not opening his eyes. “But speaking of drowning, how did it go today?”

Merlin takes a seat on the edge of the tub, flicking idly at some of the bubbles. “Eggsy and Roxy’s candidates both look promising. Not bad, for first time picks. Yours and Kay’s too, and maybe Alistair’s.”

“He’s going to be very smug if two of his proposals in a row make it onto the table.”

“I’m more than willing to deal with a little smugness if it means another agent like Roxy.”

Harry blinks open his eyes, and it’s been long enough that Merlin doesn’t wince at the empty socket and the bad memories that come with it. “What about Olivia?” Harry asks. “How is she doing?”

“Eager to learn, as always. Happy I’ve officially made her Vivian. Taking a lot of notes, too. Suggestions for when she gets to run trials.”

Harry groans, slowly lifting himself out of the water and pulling the plug. Merlin grabs a towel, and Harry steps into it, allowing Merlin to rub him down, stroking all over his skin, partly to dry him and partly because he just likes touching Harry. “Careful,” Harry warns playfully, “or she’ll take your place before you’re even gone.”

Merlin fluffs his hair with the towel in retort, smirking at Harry’s protests about proper hair maintenance. “I’m not ready to retire just yet, and she knows it. I’m not the one who’s protégé usurped my title.”

“You _gave_ Eggsy my title because you thought I was dead. It’s hardly the same.” Harry bats the towel away, grabbing his red dressing gown off the hook and wrapping it around himself. He turns off the music and pads out of the bathroom, glancing expectantly over his shoulder.

Merlin follows him into the bedroom. “I still haven’t forgiven you for that, by the way.”

Harry rolls his eye, shedding the robe and replacing it with his pyjamas, the silk ones that Merlin still says are ridiculous but Harry insist feel amazing against his skin. Merlin grabs his own, peeling off his jumper and shucking off his trousers, replacing them with the generic pyjama bottoms and t-shirt that have served him just fine for over a decade. “And I still maintain that getting shot and having amnesia was not my fault,” Harry says. “Honestly, that was years ago. You have to let it go sometime, darling.”

He absolutely does not. The two years he thought Harry dead were the worst years of Merlin’s life. And when they finally had found him, it had been different. Harry had shied away from Merlin’s touch. He hadn’t understood how they could be a couple. It was like going back to the year they started dating, experiencing Harry’s body-shyness all over again, but worse, because Harry hadn’t even known who he was.

It had been a little easier, after Harry’s memories had come back, but it had still taken a while for Harry to be comfortable sleeping with him again, in both the literal and figurative sense of the word. “It’s not your fault,” Harry had told him. “It’s…I remember you, and I remember our relationship, what that felt like. How you make me feel. But…I also remember not knowing you. Being scared of what might happen if you touched me. It’s like being a bloody teenager all over again, and I’d already done that twice. I just need a little time to get my head back together.”

And Merlin understood, and he hadn’t pushed, and eventually Harry had come back to him, bit by bit.

Now, Merlin climbs into bed beside his husband, carefully removing the prosthetic legs he’s made for himself (the third prototype – he’s working on the fourth) and setting them beside the bed. He gets comfortable, pushing his glasses back up his nose and turning on his tablet to dim the overhead lights and brighten the lamps on either side of the bed. Harry opens his book, but neither of them are really paying attention to what they have in their hands. Eventually, Merlin says, “Eggsy’s candidate is trans. Did he tell you that?”

“He didn’t.”

“Lovely girl. Tough as nails, but heart of gold. A bit like him, actually. Her name’s Rose.”

“Hmm.”

Merlin looks over at him. Harry is staring at his book, but he’s clearly not reading it, his eyes fixed to one point rather than skimming the page. “Harry?”

“Things are different now. Then when we first joined.”

“Aye,” Merlin agrees. “For the better.”

“Do you regret it?”

“Do I regret what?”

Harry looks up and makes a vague gesture between them. “This. Us.”

Worry, that same worry Merlin has always had around Harry, that they come from too different a background, that Merlin won’t be enough (a thought worsened now with a certain lack of limbs), surges up in his chest again. “Of course not! Why would you even think that?”

Harry bites his lip. “I still think about it sometimes,” he admits. “Not as much as I used to, when we were young and still figuring this out, but sometimes I’ll have days where I wonder why you’re with me.”

“Because I love you.”

“I know.” Harry sighs and puts the book down. “But even after all this time, sometimes I can’t help but wonder why.”

“Why wouldn’t I love you?”

“I’m perpetually late and I collect weird things that I know creep you out and I’m reckless and stubborn and I’m…” Harry trails off, and then says, “I’m proud of who I am. Being trans…that’s part of who I am and I don’t hate it. I’d even say I like it because it’s a part of me. But sometimes someone will say something, not even necessarily about me, and I’ll wonder…”

Merlin understands that. He feels the same way about being gay every so often. People are better than they used to be, and Merlin isn’t ashamed of who he is, but that doesn’t mean he never hates himself a little bit for it, because that is the bigots’ goal and every once in a while, it works. Not much and never for long, but enough that he knows the feeling.

“I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again,” he tells Harry. “You being trans doesn’t stop me from loving you any more than the rest of that stuff does. It’s all part of you, and I love all of you. Yes, you’re late, but you always turn up. You’re eccentric and odd but you’re passionate about it, and yes, I hate the bugs but I love how happy they make you. You’re reckless because you’re compassionate, and you can’t bear to see someone else take a bullet if you can do it for them. And maybe you’re stubborn, but so am I. We fit. Neither of us is exactly the same as when we first met, but you’re still the man I fell in love with. And I’m not going to stop loving you until the day they put me in the ground.”

Harry sniffs. “Morbid note to end on.”

Merlin nudges him with his shoulder. “I mean it Harry. Almost thirty-five years…most people don’t make it this long. I’ve spent most of my life loving you, and I don’t see that changing.”

Harry ducks his head, then smiles shyly over at Merlin. “I love you too, you know. You were the first person that I ever really loved. I imagine you’ll be the last as well.”

Merlin pulls him close, drawing him in for a soft kiss. “Same here.”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For the reassurance.” Harry has that self-deprecating look in his eye. “I know it’s silly, doubting you.”

“We’ve been through hell and back, Harry. A couple of times. I think a moment of doubt every now and then is fair.”

“Do you ever doubt? That I don’t love you, I mean.”

Merlin looks at his husband, the man he’s been with for over three decades. The man he still worries might leave him someday, no matter how irrational he knows that worry is. He looks at Harry and thinks about the fear of not being good enough that still plagues him sometimes at night, and he answers without hesitation.

“No. I never do.”


End file.
